From the time they’re toddlers, kids love pleasing the adults in their lives. Praise and encouragement make them feel good, reinforce their desire to help, and give them a sense of connection. But what happens when kids only receive positive reinforcement from the adults in their lives when they are successful?
Praise in and of itself is not harmful, but the message children may begin to internalize when positive attention and approval seem conditional on their success can have a lasting impact. When children begin to believe that their worth or lovability depends on getting things right, they may come to view mistakes as evidence that they aren’t good enough.
Children have a deep need to feel seen, valued, and accepted. When they begin to associate that feeling with getting things right, they may strive for perfection in everything they do. Being the best at school, sports, and other activities can become the focus, and anything less than success can begin to feel like failure.
Our sense of self begins to form early in life and is heavily influenced by our caregivers, our early relationships, and how we believe we are perceived by others. The messages we receive during childhood can shape how we view ourselves well into adulthood. When children repeatedly receive the message that they are only good enough when they are successful, their self-worth can become fragile and dependent on achievement and external validation. As adults, they may continue to rely on praise and reassurance to feel good about themselves, whether at work, in their friendships and family relationships, or in their romantic partnerships. When setbacks occur or they perceive themselves as having failed, they may struggle with negative, often irrational beliefs about their worth as a person.
Our sense of self-worth is foundational to our identity. While life events, circumstances, personal successes, and failures may temporarily influence how we feel about ourselves, they should never define our worth at our core. Life doesn’t follow a straight line, and none of us is immune to the inevitable bumps in the road.
In order to break free from this harmful cycle of all-or-nothing thinking, we can begin to challenge and reshape the beliefs we hold about ourselves. This involves identifying where these unhelpful messages originated, recognizing that our self-worth isn’t determined by our personal or professional successes and failures, and developing healthier, more realistic expectations of ourselves.
None of us is perfect, and it is in our imperfections that we find our humanity. Our worth isn’t something we have to earn through achievement; it’s something we can learn to recognize and honor, even when life doesn’t go as planned.