In February of 2003, my brother died unexpectedly at the age of 42. We were living in different states at the time and we didn’t see each other too often. The Christmas right before he passed, I was consumed with work and a relatively new relationship (with the woman who I would marry just a few years later), so I was an entire month behind in getting my Christmas gifts purchased and sent across the country.
Coincidentally, my brother had also been in a fairly new relationship, the first serious one he’d ever had. After so many years being unlucky in love, he’d finally found his person and I couldn’t have been happier for him. I talked with my brother a handful of times in the month leading up to his death and each time I assured him that his Christmas gift was “on the way”, but I never did end up getting around to buying it – and then it was too late.
What Exactly Is Grief – And How Long Will It Last?
In essence, grief is a profound emotional response to the death of a loved one. In 1969, renowned Swiss-American Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced the “Five Stages of Grief” (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance) as a way for us to understand this broad emotional response. But, like so much in life, grief isn’t scripted, and follows no linear path – so grief has no real expiration date, and can last from weeks to years, though its intensity lessens over time.
The Aftermath of Grief?
It is said that “time heals all wounds”, but the wound created by the loss of a loved one can be cavernous and may never feel completely healed. This is because memories, special days of the year (like birthdays and anniversaries), places, movies, music, and even certain smells, connect us back to the person we’ve lost and ultimately to our grief.
A client that I saw for several months after her spouse of more than 50 years had passed, struggled to watch familiar television shows after her spouse was no longer there with her. She told me that they would sit together in the evenings watching their shows and talking together about what they’d watched. Once she was alone, her grief was palpable, and for a very long time she couldn’t bring herself to even turn on the TV.
When someone close to us dies, we long for their physical presence. To touch them, hug them, talk to them, or just be close to them. We yearn for those tangible things that we take for granted when a person is here with us.
Grief’s Lingering Emotion … Regret
In the days, months, and years, following a loss, one of the most difficult feelings to reconcile is Regret. The “couldas, shouldas, and wouldas” can haunt us. Regret is most commonly associated with missed opportunities – to express our feelings, apologize for past hurts, or to just spend quality time together.
It’s been 22 years since my brother died and the worst of my grief is well behind me – but every now and then I think about that stupid Christmas gift and the horrible feeling of regret bubbles back to the surface. In those moments I try to practice self-compassion and I remind myself that we all make mistakes, and if my brother were here today, he’d raze me for forgetting his gift, but he would never have held it against me – we were brothers (and friends), but most importantly he loved me. These reminders I give myself help me to ride out that stubborn feeling of regret, so I can re-focus on the good memories, happy times, and cherished moments, that my brother and I shared, ultimately helping me to replace the pain of my loss with the joy of my memories.
If you are struggling with the grief over the loss of a loved one, I can help.
Colin Hammer is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in private practice in Wheaton, IL specializing in helping individuals and couples struggling with anxiety, depression, and relationship difficulties.